Up In My Head.

Fox hearts Wolf.

I felt kinda bad knowing in the back of my mind that my last post was sitting up here being intensely depressing and hopeless and tragic, when in reality I have been feeling a lot better since.

For me, the writing is cathartic which is why I generally tend to write more when I am upset. This is probably painting a relatively negative picture of my wolf, and that’s not fair, or accurate.

So I just wanted to take a sec and say Yeah, he’s a robot. Yeah, he’s not sentimental or gushy. Yeah, he’s not the bring flowers home type. Yeah, he doesn’t wanna hug, kiss or shag me to death.

But yeah – He is the most intelligent, fascinating, caring, talented, hilarious, creative, unique and correct person I know, and I am so so lucky to have the privilege of loving him. Let alone to have his love in return.

God damn, I love this man.


a lack of colour
June 8, 2010, 10:47 pm
Filed under: me being crazy

It is becoming apparent that love is 9 parts joy and 1 part pure anguish.

For me, anyways.

Probably because I’m crazy.

If you have to cry, cry in the shower. It becomes comfortingly easy to tell yourself that you’re okay when your tears are hiding in the rain from the shower head and your sobs are dissapating into the white noise of the falling water.

I don’t know why my self confidence is so inextricably linked to my sense of attractiveness. Maybe for too long I’ve ridden the wave of men finding me irresistable that it has become my strongest source of strength and self worth. I think about it a lot, I see it’s a problem but I’m not sure how to work it out.

In the meantime, when my wolf doesn’t want to go there with me, which is more often than I’d like, it’s like a strident blow to the gut and I’m relegated to the shower to sob it out, the refrain of ‘what’s wrong with me?!’ deafening inside my head. And what Im asking myself is why am I not attractive enough that he would want me anytime, and not what is wrong with me for reacting like this to what is most likely as simple as a completely natural difference in sexual appetite. The latter being the question I probably should be asking. But in the moment I am not.

This show of weakness in confidence embarasses me. I dont let him see me crying over this, my face flooded in the comfort of the streaming hot water. If he comes in, I smile. I’m fine.

And in those moments I feel totally and utterly alone.

feelin alright.
May 17, 2010, 12:13 am
Filed under: me feeling like i get it

i love this one.

i love him like mad.

it practically hurts to love someone so much.


but mainly just feels


and thats that.

last night
April 21, 2010, 5:37 pm
Filed under: me saying something but not really saying it

i slept alone.
didn’t struggle to fall asleep, didn’t wake up throughout the night, didn’t hop out this morning at the first note of the alarm.
not that i would ever admit it, but i slept like a baby.
on lone wolf night.

The Arctic Fox
April 8, 2010, 7:41 pm
Filed under: me being crazy, me being passively aggressively defensive

When he is wolfing, I am foxing.

Sounds more glamourous than it is, probably.

I use this rare free time to reconnect with my circle, my friends, my cohorts, my partners in crime.

I think im supposed to use it on myself but dont know how.

The arctic fox is not a solitary creature. what can i say?

I thrive on connection. And it comes in all shapes and sizes. All of which i like.

But when the night closes, this fox is always alone, at least for those dying moments of the day.

Its not at all that I can’t be alone. I can. Alone with my own thoughts some pretty amazing processes get underway and things both bad and tremendously good can come of that. Its just that i dont prefer to be.

I can be myself and think about myself and truly relax and focus on myself in the presence of my wolf. I probably do these things better with him around.

It’s just that i don’t understand. How can I want him around me everytime I climb into bed so badly and that feeling not be mutual? It makes me feel crazy and stupid, moderately humiliated and actually really quite alone.

I just want to have his arms around me while i fall asleep.

is that really so bad?

just a quickie
March 31, 2010, 5:10 pm
Filed under: me being crazy

why do i spend so much time worrying about how he feels about me?
its exhausting.

why dont i take his words with more weight, why do i read heavily into his every move instead?
because actions are my language when it comes to love?

why is this relationship so tumultuous for me but seemingly calm and smooth for him?
because Im crazy.

Oh yeah, i forgot for a sec.


constant revision
March 30, 2010, 12:44 pm
Filed under: me feeling like i get it

there is some kind of propaganda machine at work here.
and this machine says that when you find ‘the one’, its easy. its natural. its obvious. it clicks.

fuck that noise.

i believe that a perfect relationship is the achievement of understanding and embracing the fact that you have now embarked upon a process of constant revision, a process that will last until death do you part.

conĀ·stant [kon-stuhnt]

1. not changing or varying; uniform; regualr; invariable.

2. continuing without pause or letup; unceasing.

reĀ·viĀ·sion [ri-vizh-uhn]

1. the act, work, or process of revising.

(reĀ·vise 1. to amend or alter; make corrections; improve; update.)

it sounds a bit like work maybe. and maybe it is. but thats point. if it just clicks and thats that, you are running on autopilot. is that really flying? Hitting a button and napping until its time to begin descent from cruising altitude? (In fact i think the autopilot is actually even landing the planes these days..)

I would say not.

I would say the taking of the wheel, feeling the plane, tweaking the course, keeping your eyes on the instruments and the horizon, feeling afraid, exhilerated, tired, feeling it all, i would say thats flying.
and love.

maybe its work, maybe its effort. maybe its unnatural to have to bend and twist yourself into a shape that fits alongside another who is doing the same to fit you.
or maybe its that kind of engagement that means you care. maybe its that kind of engagement that makes it worth caring.
maybe its not about finding your perfectly sculpted complementary puzzle piece that you can just slip into place. and its done.

actually let me rephrase.

its not about finding your perfectly sculpted complementary Ā puzzle piece that you can just slip into place. and its done.

its about finding someone you want to try to fly, someone who fascinates you, impresses you, infuriates you, intrigues you and engages you.And then its constant revision – so that you fit. so that you work. andĀ so that in the process, you both feel improved.

thats love. thats ‘the one’.

i think.